i let go of old stuff today.stuff that i had no idea were even holding me back and i'm glad that i did... i read my horoscope on astrostyle, today, and then i read for the entire week and i had no idea what those girls (who are brilliant) were talking about.. they kept telling me that i had to let go and i was so ready to let go of material stuff without realizing that those weren't the things that mattered.
i looked at a box and it called out to me.. it had just been a box full of junk.
i got into it and looked at some stuff.. it had been writing of my writing from when i was in a relationship that was not the best for me.. old bills, old pictures, old habits and things were all in there and i hadn't realized it thinking that it was just 'stuff'.. then i found a picture of me when i was little with mt 'immediate family' that had been thrown in there so long ago.
i did not like that picture.. i didn't like what i was wearing, i didn't like that day, i didn't even really think of anything; i had blocked almost all memories out of my head! i've been trying to figure out why it has felt like there has been some sort of block between my creative aims and my relationships and just about all things in my life and i get it..
i let go of those memories.. i let go of that little person not having been treated with the respect they deserved, not having been validated, not having been nurtured, cared for, all of it.. i let it go.. i did it by ripping up that picture.. i kept the portion that held that little person's head and threw everyone else away.. i had blamed them for all of those memories and have cut them out of my life but hadn't realized i've been holding on to them in a figurative way along with my pain and resentment and i just let it go..
it hurt, kind of.. i then kind of did the exercise where i accepted myself for all of it.. i acknowledged it, i validated it, i looked at my pain, my hurt, my wounds, my happiness and then i realized i no longer hold anything remotely close to that person in the pic.. that's somebody else entirely and though i may have cut out those members of 'family' out of my life, i had been holding on to that resentment by holding on to what i thought to be 'me'.
that's not me.. it's not my responsibility or my place to take on that little person's pain, wounds, memories or any of it.
i validated that as being me once upon a time but not any more... i can't even imagine or picture both being one and the same.. i looked in the mirror and even tried visualizing it and that person is somebody completely separate..
i've done a hell of a fantastic job separating myself from all of that to the point where i am almost unrecognizable even to myself in the mirror once i put it all in perspective.. but it's all relative and in relation to what i want to compare it to.
i once tried to fill in the void that i was holding onto..
it was going to never fill it in.
that void had been holding me back and had been holding everything else in my life back and i didn't notice that i was the one that was to blame and was sabotaging myself and putting myself through great pain!
so it dawned on me, it's either that little person and their turning on you, or, it's your future to live a happy and better you.
i got that little person and i ripped them the f*ck up.. one of the poems i found that i had written talked about my feeling of having nowhere to go at that time, being 'dead'.. it left me almost paralyzed reading it because of how powerful and how much i was going through back then.
me, me right now? i'm not dead.. i'm more alive than i've ever been and it only keeps getting better and i grow more and more and more.. it's amazing.
the dead person was that child in the pic.
the only thing that was left once i ripped them up, was a smile..
i tried finding a separate container to throw it away in and that small little piece flew out of my hand almost so that i would take notice..
even that little person is happy for me and i thanked them.. i tried for them more than anyone ever has before.
i tried caring for them the way that anyone should respectfully care for another.
i tried validating them as if they meant everything to me in the world.
it isn't me anymore..
it's me that i have to turn that focus and attention onto now.. i had to let it go.
in my hands, the only thing that i now hold is hope, love, understanding, willpower and appreciation along with potential..
i'm gonna turn my energy and now fight for me whom i did mold, and i did take the time to care for but only with a fraction of the care i was investing into all of the things that i didn't care for.. that little person was not a product of my making; i am. so is my future. and so will be the future of many other people, thanks to me and in releasing all of that, i come to a fuller being..
a present me, a caring me, a human me; i had thought i was capable of loving the humanness in all people, going through lots of acrobatic gymnastics for others without realizing that it wasn't necessary.. i wasn't accepting them, i was just adjusting myself to weather the uncomfortableness.
had i first accepted the humanness in me i would've been at peace and flowing easily with the creativity that i had blocked along with some of those old, now gone memories.
i feel good but not 'again'.
this time's different.
i am who i am at any present moment which is the full potential of my being; not who i thought i was, who you may think i am, who others may want me to be or what humanity might expect of me; it's limiting. i choose to live without boundaries and accept that i have potential capable of accomplishing great things and transforming so as to better fulfill itself at the expense of no one and certainly not itself!
I AM freedom!